'Gabreala' at Warmbloods-For-Sale.com

I know I haven't written in forever; we ended up having to send Ella to trainer, because the little amount we were going out there and the limited work weren't working for her. The day she actually tried to kick me, we threw in the towel. I've decided to sell her because this isn't her basic personality—no matter how hard she's tried with me. It's not fair to either of us; she needs a chance to utilize her amazing potential and have a real job, and I need a VERY forgiving and patient older horse who has "seen it all."

This decision has totally broken my heart—selling her is giving up my dreams with riding, but it's the only right choice for all involved. We tried. She tried. It didn't work.

And, frankly, I don't know if riding is a dream I want to even pursue anymore. This is the second chapter of my life—riding was a huge part of the first chapter, but maybe it's time for new dreams.

'Gabreala' at Warmbloods-For-Sale.com

Ella

I'm feeling heart sick--I really need to think about Ella. Logically, selling her is the soundest move...even when she's being an angel, she's a green, mercurial mare. I really need a patient, experienced horse. And I will for a long time.

I'd rather lease her in the hopes of riding her someday, but I'm (well, my mom) only going to be able to afford another horse by selling her. She's up to some nasty old tricks, charging and kicking at whoever gets her out of the pasture to ride her.Today, my dad did further injury to his injured knee, jumping out of kicking range.

The girl my parents have ride her is interested in showing her--I'll see how that goes before I make any decisions. But, I think it will always come back to her being young and hot :-( There are no guarantees that I will fully "recover." And quite frankly, while I'm scared of getting back on a horse, I'm rather terrified to get on her. I want my old horse back. I would have been 1000 times less afraid.

She was a dream that I got screwed out of. Fate can be an ironic bitch.

Some days life just sucks. My parents have one friend who is dying of cancer (stage 3) and another who has neurological damage (severe tremors) from being prescribed the wrong dose of medicine. But other, horrible, people live long, charmed lives. Explain the balance in that.

Ugh, I feel rage and grief. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry until I can't cry any more.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I just got back from the barn. Ella has been so incredibly mellow, and she nickers when she sees me (warm fuzzy!). All those little things really help my confidence—I'm starting to trust her more—the fear that she will take advantage is fading. But, still, it seems so high up. I'm waiting for my dad to make a higher mounting block with rails before I try  getting on again. So not much to report! I found the NARHA mounting ramp plans, so that should help him figure out heights and other useful features. Until then, I'm just lunging her on a line and in the round pen and giving her lots of attention—she's a total sucker for attention and absolutely adores being brushed.

Baby Steps

We went out to the barn again, so I could try getting on Ella. It took me a little longer to panic and start uncontrollably crying. I have a feeling that it will take awhile before I actually manage to get on. Then—#$@%!!!—I can panic over that. I've tried visualization—I think that's the only reason I make it up the mounting block. My dad is going to see if we can keep a mounting block that he builds at the barn. I need something much taller with rails on either side. I hang on to him so tightly, I'm afraid I might knock him off.

I also need to figure out a way to practice the motion of getting on in a less stressful situation. Putting one foot on two surfaces (stirrup and mounting block) is more than I can convince myself is safe. I swear, thinking I was going to die was a lot less scary. It is so completely irrational.

On the up side, though, Ella was incredibly sweet, and acted worried and upset when I started crying. That bodes well for her taking care of me when I do manage to get on. She has really turned into a nice horse, despite a rough start and a growing reputation for being crazy. Even so, I have too many years of not being able to trust her that I'm also trying to overcome. If only my old horse, Erik, was still alive. I trusted that horse more than was necessarily wise. I knew he would do his best to take care of me, even, occasionally, at his own expense.

New Trainer

Last week was a quick visit to Ella, because my mom didn't feel well and I was really tired. We just went in the evening, so we could meet Ella's new trainer. Her other trainer just moved to Indiana on Saturday :-(. The new girl seems nice and seems to get along with Ella, so that's good.

When the trainers were talking, I realized that they've been using really thin western snaffles on her—maybe that's one reason she objected to me bitting her—I was using a dressage, french-link full-cheek—so quite a bit thicker. I'm going to stop and get her a thinner bit and remove the noseband. It will be quite a look, but oh, well—pride has long gone out the window.

The new trainer is going to come out wednesday, so we can watch her ride. I'm looking forward to seeing Ella, but I have to admit, the whole leaning over her and then my mom walking her away from the mounting block while I was on the block, did a number on my fear of heights and really backed me off of wanting to get on her. That "dry run" might not have been such a good idea...

No Go

All dressed up and nowhere to go!

Well, it was a no go. When my dad put the saddle on Ella's back, I realized that there were no attached stirrups, and I have no idea where they are. So we just saddled her and I got up on the mounting block and figured out how I would get on. Why, oh why didn't we get a nice short horse??? It looked like a million miles off the ground! Just the height of the mounting block almost did me in! My mom moved Ella away from the mounting block when I was still standing up there with my dad and I completely freaked and started crying. It all sounded really good when I hadn't seen how far from the ground it looked, just leaning over her back!

Just a Really Quick Post

Nothing major to say—I'm just really excited about tomorrow. I'm so glad we've worked on the ground with Ella so much—I would definitely recommend doing so to anyone who wants to relearn riding. We're going to use my dressage saddle (with a grab strap!), because I figure that if you are going to go to all the trouble of relearning riding, you might as well take the opportunity to start correctly. Cognitively I know how to ride, so this will be a chance to get the physical part of riding on the same page as the acquired knowledge of what's correct. Of course, it probably doesn't matter for just sitting up there. In a depressing way, it is an amazing chance to start over with none of the bad habits and all of the knowledge. Wow—two months ago I wasn't even sure that I wanted to ride again. This is why lots of just routine grooming and leading is essential. The key to that, is always have a person whose sole job is to keep you upright...