We went out to the barn again, so I could try getting on Ella. It took me a little longer to panic and start uncontrollably crying. I have a feeling that it will take awhile before I actually manage to get on. Then—#$@%!!!—I can panic over that. I've tried visualization—I think that's the only reason I make it up the mounting block. My dad is going to see if we can keep a mounting block that he builds at the barn. I need something much taller with rails on either side. I hang on to him so tightly, I'm afraid I might knock him off.
I also need to figure out a way to practice the motion of getting on in a less stressful situation. Putting one foot on two surfaces (stirrup and mounting block) is more than I can convince myself is safe. I swear, thinking I was going to die was a lot less scary. It is so completely irrational.
On the up side, though, Ella was incredibly sweet, and acted worried and upset when I started crying. That bodes well for her taking care of me when I do manage to get on. She has really turned into a nice horse, despite a rough start and a growing reputation for being crazy. Even so, I have too many years of not being able to trust her that I'm also trying to overcome. If only my old horse, Erik, was still alive. I trusted that horse more than was necessarily wise. I knew he would do his best to take care of me, even, occasionally, at his own expense.
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